Un-freaking-believable. I had had my suspicions about the department of homeland security, but Ready.gov exceeds every one of my expectations of just how sad and funny the new agency is likely to be. The site purports to be a set of guidelines about dealing with terrorist attacks, but it reads like an Onion parody. Listen to this:

there is a significant radiation threat, health care authorities may or may not advise you to take potassium iodide. Potassium iodide is the same stuff added to your table salt to make it iodized. It may or may not protect your thyroid gland, which is particularly vulnerable, from radioactive iodine exposure.

I "may or may not" win the lottery tomorrow. Bush "may or may not" write a thesaurus. Ducking and covering "may or may not" protect you from a nuclear blast.

Oh wait, maybe it will! Check it out:

Take cover immediately, below ground if possible, though any shield or shelter will help protect you from the immediate effects of the blast and the pressure wave.

Where's that turtle when you need him?